Who is that handsome white devil?

So here's the story. I get my haircut from this place here in town called Misa. Its a nice place, with moderately priced haircuts that was recommended to me by my basketball team. It turns out that one of the girls on the team has a sister who works there. It also turns out that she is smokin' hot. Anyways, so I have been getting my haircut here for the past few months. One day, about 2 weeks after a previous cut, I get a peculiar email that goes like this...

Hello Mr. James How are you? There was asking and it E-mailed today. Could you become the model of the advertisement of the issue on April 7? The advertisement is distributed to Kimitsu, Kisarazu, Sodegaura, and Futtsu. The hairstyle is extent that makes best use of now, and it cuts a little. Taking a picture: at 17 o'clock March 23. The place: hair salon plage misa. Please act as a model by all means. Please give the answer to me. Thank you very much. ~Yukari Kenmotu

Naturally, I was a little taken aback by the proposal. Apparently they are either looking to draw more of a foreign clientele and are attempting to display the work on western, non-black or straight hair, or they are looking to capitalize off of one of the recognizable foreigners in town and hope that this will attract attention to their business. Either way, I was down.

So I go after school and we nail down the details with smatterings of each other's languages. Initially they asked me to wear a black suit, but to their surprise I do not own a black suit, I instead own one blue and two gray of differing hues (I know, I know, why did I buy two gray suits before I bought the quintessential black suit, the most versatile of work suits? I like gray suits, what more can I say...)

So they ask me to wear the light gray suit with no tie. On the day of the shoot (I feel like such a douche calling it a shoot, but what else would I call it? If it were up to me I'd just call "photo shoots" "photographic dick stroking exhibitions", but I don't think it would catch on) I arrive with my suit, but also wearing a tie since I wore the suit to school earlier in the day. The experience began with a haircut, essentially a trim of what I had received two weeks earlier, but this one a little more dolled up, a little more "peacockish" if I may.

With the hair finished, its on to the stylists, by which I mean the men at the salon advising me and adorning me with gobs of hideous jewelery and accessories that they were taking off of themselves and placing on me. Rings, necklaces, a wrist band and at one point a bolo tie (no idea who in the hell was wearing a bolo tie at the place). I must have looked pretty uncomfortable in it all because they instead opted in none of the bells and whistles. I was told to remove my undershirt and unbutton the top two buttons of my shirt though. A give and take I guess...

So the photographer arrives with the owner of the salon, who speaks fairly good English. We chat about this and that and he pulls out a magazine and points to the cover telling me this is the look we are going for. Since I don't have the picture, I will attempt to describe it. The very, very tanned Japanese man is sporting a thin lip mustache along the lines of John Waters, only more masculine, to go along with a v-shaped, neatly manicured goatee. He is wearing several silver necklaces dangling on his hairless, well built chest. And I swear he only has two buttons on his shirt buttoned up. And then there is his face, or rather the look adorning his face. Dislike isn't a strong enough word. I don't think hatred is even strong enough. The look on this man's face says nothing but disdain and loathing for everyone around him.

So this is the look that I am supposed to recreate. First of all, I have no facial hair and when I attempt to have facial hair it looks more like 8th grade hygiene negligence than Tom Selleck. Second, as anyone who has ever met me can attest to, I am not a tanned person. I do not tan easily. I am in a perpetual state of whiteness. I'm lucky if I can achieve a corn flake color in the summer time. This is especially true of the skin that doesn't see regular sunlight, i.e. the torso and thighs areas. My chest comes in a nice opaque pink-ish hue with hints of blue and a few straggly strands of chest hair. This only proves to be problematic when A) I go the the beach, but I have comes to terms with this years ago, and B) when Japanese hairdressers explore the boundaries of good taste and continue to unbutton my shirt. Lastly, the face of the apocalypse...I did my damnedest to look as mean as possible, mean mugging as hard as my facial muscles would allow me. The results were less than menacing.

So we finish the "shoot" and chat for a little bit. They give me a small gift, some shampoo and conditioner, as a thank you and I get a ride home. Now, to address the question of compensation...that would be the shampoo and conditioner. I agreed to do it thinking it would be fun and it might score me some points with Yukari, which I could parlay into a date. Well, a few days pass, an acceptable amount of time goes by where I can ask her out and still look coolly unimpressed and only slightly interested. She just started dating someone the previous month. :( Here's the kicker. I asked her sister, Mai, about her, trying to get some inside information, find out if she was seeing anyone, etc. AT THE TIME, she wasn't and I was advised to wait and continue studying Japanese. I thought this a wise decision, so I wait and I study, only to get dashed by some other dude...at least I got some shampoo out of the deal.


Oh what could have been...