They should consider changing the job title to something that reflects the amount of downtime involved. Maybe something like “Literature Analyst and Coffee Consumption Specialist.” I can comfortably say that I spend more time on a daily basis either reading or studying Japanese, all the while drinking coffee, than I do actually teaching anyone anything. I’m not complaining; that would be stupid. It’s a cushy job and there are occasional lapses in the boredom, like the other day when the new P.E. teacher pushed the student body president across the outdoor commons area/quarter mile track with one hand around his neck and the other with a fistful of hair. It would have been a quiet little incident had it not been in front of the entire school and he wouldn’t have be yelling god knows what in the kid’s face. I need to ask around to find out what actually happened to incite such a reaction. The new P.E. teacher is kind of a dick, I guess that’s all the reason there need be.
***
A note on discipline in Japanese Junior High Schools… I would be remiss if I said there was none, exemplified by the previous entry and the incident last term when the mass fight broke out in the hallway between some 3rd years and a few of the teachers. A more accurate description of the punishment scale can be found in two words: “fuck you.” Or in my case, fuck me.
Exhibit 1) the most common English used in my 2nd year English classes, on average.
1) Shut up – this phrase started the year strong, becoming a quick “go-to” phrase used in any and all situations. But, like all fads, it was quickly usurped by…
2) Fuck you – the new standard at Koito JHS. I was initially shocked when I heard this one, broken out when the student realized that shut up had lost its luster with me (he thus decided to upgrade his arsenal; I guess I should credit the initiative shown…). What’s odd about this one is that it has caught the imagination of all the students, not just the shitheads. Even the studious and mild-mannered have been captivated by its puzzling strength and mysterious meaning. They know it’s a biggie, they have no clue what it means. In an effort to combat its usage (especially towards myself, being as I am its target 98% of the time) I have begun telling the students that’s its usage usually leads to a severe ass kicking and that it is the most insulting word in the English language. This seems to be working to an extent, and granted that the students never learn the truth of “fuck” or how often their beloved James sensei uses it.
3) Pig/Gorilla/Pig-gorilla – This is a specialty word, used primarily by Mrs. Watanabe’s students directed at her. In context it usually comes out “Mrs. Watanabe is a pig/gorilla/gorilla-pig,” or “She is a pig,” or my favorite, “Mr. James, repeat after me, Mrs. Watanabe is a pig, right?”
4) And finally, masturbate – or masturbation. I can’t remember when this one popped up, but I can count on hearing it several times a day from as far away as 50 feet, plus inquiries into my practices.
Exhibit 2) 3rd year favorites (since this aren’t nearly as good as the 2nd years, this will be abbreviated).
1) Penis – almost all conversations I have with this group of students involve my genitals. The favorite now is analogous words, the current pole-sitter being “James, nice elephant,” which is accompanied by the acting out of an elephant spraying water or eating with it’s trunk, except the movement emanates from the loins rather than the sinus cavity.
2) Clitoris – I nearly lost my shit when I heard this one. This 200 lb bundle of joy, Hoshii, is a strange one. Everyday is an adventure with him, my first encounter with him ended with him jumping back and nearly buckling my knees in the process. Penis was his catchphrase for about 2 ½ months, then when that got old (to me, not him) he moved onto the small c-bomb. Making it all the more awkward was the fact that he dropped the bomb with Ms. Ozeki in the room, the only attractive junior high school teacher I have encountered in my +1 years on the job.
Now, venture a guess of what kind of response these phrases get from our teachers and resident pig impersonator? (She’s a little stout, but not fat, at least by American standards, nor is she pig-like). Nothing. Nada. A momentary scornful look maybe, and that’s for repeat offenders. How they can justify such extreme action when they let the kids escalate their behavior without repercussions is absolutely beyond me. Mind you most of this is going on during class, so aside from being a nuisance to myself, it is also a nuisance to the rest of the kids in class.
I consider myself a resilient person, born of meaty, American stock, able to take a beatin’ and keep on tickin’, so to speak, so the nuisance to myself is of little importance. But I do get angry when I feel as though their behavior is detrimental to the rest of the students. In a society with so much riding on academic performance, you would think that this would have crossed someone’s mind at one time or another. But apparently the Japanese “right to education” (essentially that every child has the inalienable right to an education) translates to “right to an education continually interrupted by douchebags and shitheads.”
In a way, I guess it’s a real world education…
