Summer おやすみ '09

Alright, so if I haven't already told everyone, I'm goin to Europe for 3 weeks this August. First time for Europe so I'm pretty stoked about this. The itinerary goes something like this: 2 days Amsterdam/2 days Brussels/2 days Paris/2-3 days Rome/1-2 days Naples/3-4 days Croatia/6? days in Prague and maybe a side trip out of Prague as well. But before all that we have a beautiful flight that takes us through Taipei for the 3 1/2 layover, then to Bangkok to pick up some more people before we begin our trip to Amsterdam. All in all this should take around 20-22 hours, give or take.
So we are currently in the Taipei airport now. Pretty damn bland, but they do have free wireless internet which is already years ahead of the Japanese airports. I wish there was more to write about here, but there just isn't. Seeing lots more white people and, unfortunetly, white girls. Good bye my Asian lovelies. What will I do without you? I'll be back soon enough...
So yeah, I try to post more regularly throughout the trip. Try to intersperse some stories from the end of my last semester as well.
(I say this knowing full well that I write this in every post and that I fall well short of this unlofty goal. Let's be reasonable and say 1 more post from Europe and then another in another 2 months...capiche?)

Mr. James, fuck you???

They should consider changing the job title to something that reflects the amount of downtime involved. Maybe something like “Literature Analyst and Coffee Consumption Specialist.” I can comfortably say that I spend more time on a daily basis either reading or studying Japanese, all the while drinking coffee, than I do actually teaching anyone anything. I’m not complaining; that would be stupid. It’s a cushy job and there are occasional lapses in the boredom, like the other day when the new P.E. teacher pushed the student body president across the outdoor commons area/quarter mile track with one hand around his neck and the other with a fistful of hair. It would have been a quiet little incident had it not been in front of the entire school and he wouldn’t have be yelling god knows what in the kid’s face. I need to ask around to find out what actually happened to incite such a reaction. The new P.E. teacher is kind of a dick, I guess that’s all the reason there need be.

***
A note on discipline in Japanese Junior High Schools… I would be remiss if I said there was none, exemplified by the previous entry and the incident last term when the mass fight broke out in the hallway between some 3rd years and a few of the teachers. A more accurate description of the punishment scale can be found in two words: “fuck you.” Or in my case, fuck me.

Exhibit 1) the most common English used in my 2nd year English classes, on average.
1) Shut up – this phrase started the year strong, becoming a quick “go-to” phrase used in any and all situations. But, like all fads, it was quickly usurped by…
2) Fuck you – the new standard at Koito JHS. I was initially shocked when I heard this one, broken out when the student realized that shut up had lost its luster with me (he thus decided to upgrade his arsenal; I guess I should credit the initiative shown…). What’s odd about this one is that it has caught the imagination of all the students, not just the shitheads. Even the studious and mild-mannered have been captivated by its puzzling strength and mysterious meaning. They know it’s a biggie, they have no clue what it means. In an effort to combat its usage (especially towards myself, being as I am its target 98% of the time) I have begun telling the students that’s its usage usually leads to a severe ass kicking and that it is the most insulting word in the English language. This seems to be working to an extent, and granted that the students never learn the truth of “fuck” or how often their beloved James sensei uses it.
3) Pig/Gorilla/Pig-gorilla – This is a specialty word, used primarily by Mrs. Watanabe’s students directed at her. In context it usually comes out “Mrs. Watanabe is a pig/gorilla/gorilla-pig,” or “She is a pig,” or my favorite, “Mr. James, repeat after me, Mrs. Watanabe is a pig, right?”
4) And finally, masturbate – or masturbation. I can’t remember when this one popped up, but I can count on hearing it several times a day from as far away as 50 feet, plus inquiries into my practices.

Exhibit 2) 3rd year favorites (since this aren’t nearly as good as the 2nd years, this will be abbreviated).
1) Penis – almost all conversations I have with this group of students involve my genitals. The favorite now is analogous words, the current pole-sitter being “James, nice elephant,” which is accompanied by the acting out of an elephant spraying water or eating with it’s trunk, except the movement emanates from the loins rather than the sinus cavity.
2) Clitoris – I nearly lost my shit when I heard this one. This 200 lb bundle of joy, Hoshii, is a strange one. Everyday is an adventure with him, my first encounter with him ended with him jumping back and nearly buckling my knees in the process. Penis was his catchphrase for about 2 ½ months, then when that got old (to me, not him) he moved onto the small c-bomb. Making it all the more awkward was the fact that he dropped the bomb with Ms. Ozeki in the room, the only attractive junior high school teacher I have encountered in my +1 years on the job.

Now, venture a guess of what kind of response these phrases get from our teachers and resident pig impersonator? (She’s a little stout, but not fat, at least by American standards, nor is she pig-like). Nothing. Nada. A momentary scornful look maybe, and that’s for repeat offenders. How they can justify such extreme action when they let the kids escalate their behavior without repercussions is absolutely beyond me. Mind you most of this is going on during class, so aside from being a nuisance to myself, it is also a nuisance to the rest of the kids in class.
I consider myself a resilient person, born of meaty, American stock, able to take a beatin’ and keep on tickin’, so to speak, so the nuisance to myself is of little importance. But I do get angry when I feel as though their behavior is detrimental to the rest of the students. In a society with so much riding on academic performance, you would think that this would have crossed someone’s mind at one time or another. But apparently the Japanese “right to education” (essentially that every child has the inalienable right to an education) translates to “right to an education continually interrupted by douchebags and shitheads.”
In a way, I guess it’s a real world education…

Who is that handsome white devil?

So here's the story. I get my haircut from this place here in town called Misa. Its a nice place, with moderately priced haircuts that was recommended to me by my basketball team. It turns out that one of the girls on the team has a sister who works there. It also turns out that she is smokin' hot. Anyways, so I have been getting my haircut here for the past few months. One day, about 2 weeks after a previous cut, I get a peculiar email that goes like this...

Hello Mr. James How are you? There was asking and it E-mailed today. Could you become the model of the advertisement of the issue on April 7? The advertisement is distributed to Kimitsu, Kisarazu, Sodegaura, and Futtsu. The hairstyle is extent that makes best use of now, and it cuts a little. Taking a picture: at 17 o'clock March 23. The place: hair salon plage misa. Please act as a model by all means. Please give the answer to me. Thank you very much. ~Yukari Kenmotu

Naturally, I was a little taken aback by the proposal. Apparently they are either looking to draw more of a foreign clientele and are attempting to display the work on western, non-black or straight hair, or they are looking to capitalize off of one of the recognizable foreigners in town and hope that this will attract attention to their business. Either way, I was down.

So I go after school and we nail down the details with smatterings of each other's languages. Initially they asked me to wear a black suit, but to their surprise I do not own a black suit, I instead own one blue and two gray of differing hues (I know, I know, why did I buy two gray suits before I bought the quintessential black suit, the most versatile of work suits? I like gray suits, what more can I say...)

So they ask me to wear the light gray suit with no tie. On the day of the shoot (I feel like such a douche calling it a shoot, but what else would I call it? If it were up to me I'd just call "photo shoots" "photographic dick stroking exhibitions", but I don't think it would catch on) I arrive with my suit, but also wearing a tie since I wore the suit to school earlier in the day. The experience began with a haircut, essentially a trim of what I had received two weeks earlier, but this one a little more dolled up, a little more "peacockish" if I may.

With the hair finished, its on to the stylists, by which I mean the men at the salon advising me and adorning me with gobs of hideous jewelery and accessories that they were taking off of themselves and placing on me. Rings, necklaces, a wrist band and at one point a bolo tie (no idea who in the hell was wearing a bolo tie at the place). I must have looked pretty uncomfortable in it all because they instead opted in none of the bells and whistles. I was told to remove my undershirt and unbutton the top two buttons of my shirt though. A give and take I guess...

So the photographer arrives with the owner of the salon, who speaks fairly good English. We chat about this and that and he pulls out a magazine and points to the cover telling me this is the look we are going for. Since I don't have the picture, I will attempt to describe it. The very, very tanned Japanese man is sporting a thin lip mustache along the lines of John Waters, only more masculine, to go along with a v-shaped, neatly manicured goatee. He is wearing several silver necklaces dangling on his hairless, well built chest. And I swear he only has two buttons on his shirt buttoned up. And then there is his face, or rather the look adorning his face. Dislike isn't a strong enough word. I don't think hatred is even strong enough. The look on this man's face says nothing but disdain and loathing for everyone around him.

So this is the look that I am supposed to recreate. First of all, I have no facial hair and when I attempt to have facial hair it looks more like 8th grade hygiene negligence than Tom Selleck. Second, as anyone who has ever met me can attest to, I am not a tanned person. I do not tan easily. I am in a perpetual state of whiteness. I'm lucky if I can achieve a corn flake color in the summer time. This is especially true of the skin that doesn't see regular sunlight, i.e. the torso and thighs areas. My chest comes in a nice opaque pink-ish hue with hints of blue and a few straggly strands of chest hair. This only proves to be problematic when A) I go the the beach, but I have comes to terms with this years ago, and B) when Japanese hairdressers explore the boundaries of good taste and continue to unbutton my shirt. Lastly, the face of the apocalypse...I did my damnedest to look as mean as possible, mean mugging as hard as my facial muscles would allow me. The results were less than menacing.

So we finish the "shoot" and chat for a little bit. They give me a small gift, some shampoo and conditioner, as a thank you and I get a ride home. Now, to address the question of compensation...that would be the shampoo and conditioner. I agreed to do it thinking it would be fun and it might score me some points with Yukari, which I could parlay into a date. Well, a few days pass, an acceptable amount of time goes by where I can ask her out and still look coolly unimpressed and only slightly interested. She just started dating someone the previous month. :( Here's the kicker. I asked her sister, Mai, about her, trying to get some inside information, find out if she was seeing anyone, etc. AT THE TIME, she wasn't and I was advised to wait and continue studying Japanese. I thought this a wise decision, so I wait and I study, only to get dashed by some other dude...at least I got some shampoo out of the deal.


Oh what could have been...

Feels like home

First, apologizes...

I made it my new years resolution to write more frequently on here, which I have failed miserably at so far. Solly...

It's a shame I can't shake this wonderfully natural laziness at the drop of a hat. So much has happened since I last wrote, I can only hope to recall all of it....

First, there was a house fire next door to my junior high school. I wasn't there to witness it (I was at my elementary school that day), but as soon as I arrived to Koito Junior High the next day, Mr. Yamashita, the kyoto sensei (vice principal), stopped me to tell me the previous day's happenings. So apparently a house caught on fire and a few of the teachers ran over to check it out. As it turns out there was an old couple inside so Mr. Oikawa, the technology teacher, sumo coach and volleyball coach, leaps into the blaze to rescue the elderly couple.

Now, my interactions with my Oikawa have been pretty minimal so far. He seems super friendly as we exchange rudimentary Japanese/English greetings in the morning. Apparently he is a badass sumo coach because Koito is the Chiba sumo champion, which is pretty impressive. So to sum up Mr. Oikawa: stout, friendly, presumably strong and a kind of berserk superhero of sorts, but one story at a time.

So, Mr. Oikawa runs into the blazing house and pulls out the old man and old woman. The old woman survives but the old man dies shortly thereafter. All the teachers now are outside consoling and helping the old woman. So, Mr. Yamashita is telling me all this, which is all kind of shocking to receive first thing in the morning. So then he asks where I was yesterday in a sort of accusatory tone, which took me by surprise. I told him I was at Koito Elementary and by the time of the fire I was already home. He backs off and nods his head approvingly, then half-jokingly, half-serious, he blurts out that had I been there to help, who knows, maybe I could have saved the man.

I laugh, thinking to myself, yeah, sure, I'm sure it would have made a world of difference. Mr. Yamashita doesn't laugh, at least not initially. After a few seconds he does decide to laugh and we leave it at that, but those few seconds between the turning of his face, from somber and suggestive to that "you should have seen the look on your face" brand of humor, were some of the strangest moments in time I have ever experienced.

Now, onto more of Mr. Oikawa tales of bravery and feats of wonder and some...



Fast forward to the next day. The school day has just begun. We are literally five minutes into the day when there is a commotion outside in the hallway. It begins with a deep, growling, angry yell from the end of the hallway. It's a sound I've heard numerous times here so its no big deal. Shortly after that though and hear different sounds, banging on the wall, doors rattling and shaking, the unmistakable noise of unarmed combat. Several of the teachers get up to investigate, to which I follow.

I peek over the top of the women teachers and there on the ground is a 3rd year student and Mr. Oikawa on top of him screaming in his face. Another teacher is holding down the students other arm and the rest of the staff is watching like a crowd witnessing a playground fight. This is a new experience for me, much more physical and serious than the shoe assault I witnessed earlier in the year, but it gets amped up even more. Silently moving down the hallway is another student from the same classroom (before I forget to mention it, these students all came from the separate "troublemakers" classroom. I think we are all at least vaguely familiar with this setup). As he nears the ruckus though, he speeds up and begins to move with purpose and intent. Mr. Shigeta, a science teacher from the 2nd grade and purveyor of swords and exotic sports cars, feels a tingling in his "spidey-sense" and turns around to confront the approaching student, who is clearly moving with aggression in his stride. Mr. Shigeta grabs the kid by the arm, straightens it out and slams the kid to the ground onto his back, then forcefully plants his knee right into the kids sternum. I swear I've seen the same maneuver used frequently in OZ.

Ok, so the situation ends with the koucho sensei (head principal, mainly just a figure head, actually does nothing on a daily basis) picking up the 2nd attacker by his shirt collar and pushing him down the hall. I standing there in a sort of daze and I look around at the other teachers seem only mildly amused. The female PE teacher just looks at me, smiles and shrugs her shoulders in a sort of cheesy network sitcom "what are you going to do" moment.

So I go to class, where nothing really happens.

I leave class, I'm walking down the stairs to the teacher's room and the cops are at the school. Now, I'm assuming its because of the first kid, thinking he's just out of control and the teachers don't want to have to put up with him. And that's the end of the situation as far as I know.

So the end of the day rolls around and there is an impromptu teacher's meeting concerning the days big news. I'm told I don't need to attend, so I go to the gym to kill time. After about a half hour, Mr. Yamashita comes to the gym and I ask him what in the hell happened earlier. So the story goes like this...

Student A brings a knife to class, a whittling knife from how Mr. Yamashita describes it. We both agree that he didn't bring it school with aggressive intent, but still, you can't just carry a knife around school, regardless of its supposed purpose. So the sumo teacher takes it from him. Student A does not like this, so he decides to throw a temper tantrum and kick down a door. In this vicious circle of disagreeable actions, sumo dude does not like this so he goes after the student. Now, somewhere during the action, sumo dude hits the student. This is what cause Student B to attempt the flanking maneuver and led to his as getting owned. The big surprise of the whole incident was the student was the one who called the cops on the sumo sensei. In another shocker, koucho sensei calls the kids parents to explain what had happened and probably expected hell in return. But instead the kid's parents admit that their kid is a troublemaking piece of crap and THEY apologize for their kids actions and fully understand why the sumo teacher thumped him. Totally against everything I've been told about Japanese parents. Wild shit...

Oh for pete's sake

So I just received this note the other day at lunch from some 2nd year students in junior high school. Upon opening about 5-6 girls burst into hysterical laughter in the back of the room. There were other things that happened last week that I was going to write about, but I literally can't remember any of them since I got this note.

Things Ive seen my first week back

Lets see, well, my nickname at my new school is "big mammoth." they say this while pointing at their crotches. I accidentally walked into the trap of denial, thus being called "small mammoth" for one class, but its back to "big mammoth" now. (or the occasional "big snake" or "normal mammoth", I've gotten both of those too.)

Here is a list of the things Japanese students want to know when I first show up and introduce myself:

Am I married
Do I have a girlfriend?
What kind of girls do I like?
Is there anyone in school that I like?
Do I like to drink?
How much can I drink or how much does it take to get me drunk?
Have I ever had xxx drink?

And if its an elementary school, this one will also come up:

Have I ever seen a ghost/ufo?

I'm never really sure how to answer the drinking questions, but the teacher is knowingly translating the question, so I figure honesty is kosher.

And I absolutely cannot forget the highlight of my week. So class is set to begin, I'm waiting at the front of the class attempting to talk to some of the students while the teacher, Yuka, is reprimanding a student for making a mess and not cleaning it up, or something like that. A note on Yuka. The absolute sweetest, least intimidating lady you could ever meet, bar none. And shes pregnant, which may explain something about how this escalated so quickly. So from what I caught out of the corner of my eye was the kid giving her some attitude while he was cleaning whatever it was up, i.e. taking his sweet ass time, swinging his arms everywhere, making a bigger mess than what he started with. Well, she had had enough. I wasn't looking in that direction, but I heard the initial WHAP and a turn around and see Yuka giving the beat down of a lifetime to this kid with her shoe. I cannot express enough how badly this kid got his ass BEAT. Oh man...Seriously, absolutely owning his head and face with her tiny little Asics. Across the face, on top of the head, she did everything except give him a sick uppercut.So this went on for maybe 20 shocking seconds, the whole time I'm sitting at the front of the class in complete shock and awe, but semi-aware of the slight smile that is sneaking onto my face. It took every ounce of my being not to erupt with laughter at this kid. So she apologizes to me, yells at him, then he throws a bigger temper tantrum, throws the dustpan in the closet, etc. And then class begins...

Other than that, fairly pedestrian week.